When I was pregnant, I couldn’t wait to be un-pregnant. Never mind the fact that I’d finally have my baby (one I’ve wanted since I was practically a zygote myself), but I could do a ton of glorious things like eat whatever I wanted and drink margaritas and be able to see my feet again. One year ago today I was lying on the couch, dry-heaving, just wanting to get my body back. So I thought I’d celebrate by writing this post:
Things that are awesome about NOT being pregnant:
For the first three months of pregnancy that is all I did. At least morning “sickness” would have been understandable, because that’s what pregnant women do. Right? They have some slight-but-tolerable nausea in the morning and then they get over it and go to their prenatal yoga classes or whatever normal pregnant women do. For me, it was more like this, all the time:
When I was 38 weeks pregnant, I literally peed every half-hour. My full-time job was just peeing. It was totally futile to even leave the bathroom at one point, because I’d just be back in there, peeing, ten minutes later. At one point, after an OB visit with my husband, I peed right after we left the doctor’s office, waddled out into the parking lot, and announced, “Um, I have to pee again.” For real. Now I can’t even remember the last time I peed, like God intended.
I think I ran a total of once when I was pregnant. I had to go to the store for some groceries and I thought it would be uber-smart and not-stupid-at-all to jog my big ass to the store. You know, to get exercise. I started off like this:
|I CANT BREATHE|
I ended up sprawled on my back outside of the grocery store entrance for ten minutes because I got a massive cramp in my side and just could not go on. I spent the rest of the day recovering on my sofa. It’s amazing I didn’t die during childbirth.
And no, I haven’t really exercised since giving birth, either (unless you count that one time I played Just Dance.) But my point is that I could probably jog a couple blocks now without feeling like I needed to call an ambulance. That’s always a good feeling.
I gave birth. That’s right, fools. I pushed seven and a half pounds of baby out my va-jay-jay and that gives me license to WIN EVERY ARGUMENT AGAINST MY HUSBAND EVER. Oh you have a headache? Yeah that must hurt. Probably not as much as pushing a baby out your vag, but whatever. Aw, your back hurts? My back hurt for fourteen hours when I was pushing a baby out of my vag. Aw you have a papercut? Do you know what an episiotomy is? Mind blown, bitch. I win.
|Anyone else’s fingers hurt?|
For the record, I got an epidural. So I guess I don’t have the ultimate trump card.
I can eat so much glorious sushi.