In which I reminisce about being a racist stalker

June and I hung out all day in the loft yesterday because my husband works and I don’t have a car. I guess I could go outside with her stroller but it’s in the trunk of our car and also it’s cold outside. So we stayed in the loft and played with her light-up snail that’s annoying as shit.

This bastard.

I confess that I have the TV on sometimes when the baby and I are in the loft. No, she doesn’t watch it. She’s not allowed to look at the screen either because I’m like High Expectations Asian Father in that I don’t want it rotting her brain and giving her ADHD. I, on the other hand, already have ADHD, so when she’s nursing or otherwise completely occupied, I flip channels for something to watch.

We actually came across an old 90’s movie today called Opportunity Knocks. I hardly remember the movie now, but I used to watch it all the time back when Blockbuster was still a thing and my dad took my brothers and I out to rent movies every Friday night. I should have just bought it. I don’t know why I didn’t.

Anyway, this movie sucks and makes no sense. It’s basically just an excuse for Dana Carvey to do a bunch of racist impressions (that I’m sure I thought were hilarious in fifth grade). But I used to love it and everything else he acted in because I used to be obsessively in love with Dana Carvey. Not only would I rent all his movies from our Blockbuster, but I actually would print pictures of him off the Internet and paste them in a scrapbook. Seriously. I had this photo album where I’d post old family pictures and totally hilarious 90s catchphrases that I saw on the Internet (like this), and in the very back of the scrapbook there was a two-page spread of Dana Carvey pictures, like some psychotic ex-girlfriend voodoo shit. I even remember which picture I thought was the dreamiest:

This was in the middle of the scrapbook. And it was huge. 

So far, June does not seem to give a shit about Dana Carvey, which is cool with me because he’s not really that cute anymore and kind of looks like a fifteen-year-old lesbian.

Super cute, you guys! 

I was a fucking dork when I was a kid. I literally cringe when I think about all the dumb things I used to think were so cool. For some reason, I brought the Dana Carvey scrapbook to school and would show my friends how dreamy he was and talk about how I was seriously going to marry him when I turned 18. I don’t remember their reactions but they were probably like, you’re a total idiot n00b.

(Side note — I cannot wait to see what kind of boys my daughter is going to crush on. I can’t wait to see the person she’s going to be in general, really, and I have to stop myself from wishing she’ll hurry up and get bigger so we can bond over this type of thing. I heard a saying once that is so true — that babies are like presents that open very slowly, and I have never, ever been good at waiting to open my presents. She sat up by herself the other day and I was like HURRY UPPPPPPP I want to see the person you’re going to become! Start talking! I don’t want to be one of those “cool moms” who try to seduce their daughter’s boyfriends or something, but if we could bond over our mutual 90’s-era-Dana-Carvey crush, I think that would make me the happiest mother in the world.)

Probably every kid thinks he or she has the monopoly on what is culturally relevant and cutting edge, now that I think about it. I wasn’t allowed to watch MTV when I was younger, but one day (I probably “rebelled” and turned it on, I don’t remember) I saw the music video to Soundgarden’s “Black Hole Sun” and I thought this made me the most hip person in the history of the world. I would go around being like, so have you seen Soundgarden’s new music video? Yeah I thought it was pretty great. I saw it on MTV when my parents were sleeping, so, you know, I’m pretty cool or whatever.

I was also stupid as hell. Seriously, I was not smart. When I was five or six I was obsessed with the Babysitters Club series and all its characters — especially Claudia, who was funky and wore bizarre dangly earrings and loved to draw. Claudia was Japanese-American, which was like a martian as far as I was concerned, and I used to pray that God would make me Japanese-American too so I could be funky and exotic and good at drawing (racist much?). When it became painfully clear that God was not going to turn me into a Japanese girl, I literally would stand in the bathroom with the lights off  so that my hair would darken (my hair bleached in the sun). And if that were’t the most retarded thing you’ve ever heard, while I was standing in the bathroom with the lights off, praying to God that He would make me Asian, I would tape my eyes back to make them squint, like a Japanese persons’. MOST RACIST LITTLE KID EVER. And I seriously thought that if I did that long enough, I would look as authentically Japanese as Claudia Kishi.

Claudia’s dad was probably like this though

Let’s just hope June has her father’s genes.


3 thoughts on “In which I reminisce about being a racist stalker

  1. Oh my goodness. My friend posted a link to this on Facebook and I can relate too well. I actually have been mistaken for Asian (it's my eyes, and no, I don't know how to explain that my eyes seem to resemble that of an Asian person's without also probably sounding racist or at least uncomfortable about how I'm trying to avoid saying racist things…yeah) andddd I loved Babysitter Club/Claudia's awesomeness with the hats and all. Anyway, thank you for this awesome post. 🙂 I certainly need to read more of your work.

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