I figured out a couple months ago that the combination of having two babies in two years, eating a shit-ton of candy every day, and spending all of your free time on the Internet searching for reality TV gifs has resulted in about forty extra pounds of fat that’s just sitting on my midsection. It’s bad, guys. It’s really bad.
As of today, I weigh three pounds MORE than I did when I was nine months pregnant with June. Ouch.
Apparently you’re supposed to lose all your baby weight between pregnancies, but because I’m an unbelievable dumbass, I did the exact opposite. When June was about a year old, I looked at my enormous, stretchmark-laden thighs and my belly pooch and thought, hmm. Should I start an exercise routine and lose the extra weight? Or should I just have another baby, eat a bunch of candy, and fill out the pooch?
I chose the baby. Seriously. That was my actual train of thought at the time. I thought, well, since I already look four months pregnant, I may as well just be pregnant. Right?!
It made a lot more sense back then.
Anyway, I’m kicking myself for it now. Not the baby, obviously, because I was always meant to have him, exactly when I did. But I do wish I had tried — even half-assedly — to lose something. Even if I had done a plank. Just ONE plank. ONE PILATE, singular. Maybe if I had tried just a little bit, I wouldn’t be forty pounds overweight. But I didn’t, and I am, so here we are.
So for the first time in my entire life, I’m actually trying to lose weight. And it sucks. It hurts so bad. I have to give up delicious candy and limit my meat intake and occasionally run even though nobody’s chasing me, and exactly WHAT is the point of living again?! Indeed, the only thing worse than not being able to eat candy is feeling like a fat little troll who looks six months pregnant and can’t fit into her XL yoga pants. When even your maternity jeans are too small for you, it really makes you rethink that third Snickers bar. Most of the time.
(The sushi cravings are ubiquitous, though. I don’t know that I could ever stop craving delicious, fatty tuna smothered in wasabi mayonaise. The other night I just went through Pinterest and “liked” a bunch of pictures of godzilla rolls that people had posted. You know. Just sittin’ around, liking pictures of sushi on a Friday night. Like people do.)
Side note: I really have to get off Pinterest before I wreck this “diet” thing.
So here’s what I’m doing to try and lose this “baby weight” (more accurately it’s “sushi weight”, but let’s just pretend like I have a little self-respect and pretend it was from the children):
1) Running. This is the most painful part of all. I love doing nothing. I lead what you call a “sedentary lifestyle.” I would so much rather sit on the couch and scroll through my tumblr account looking for gifs than hit the gym. In fact, for the past few months, since I’ve been trying to raise awareness for spina bifida in addition to getting more widely published, most of my time has been spent at the computer trying to accomplish both of these goals (in addition to copy-writing on occasion to earn some extra cash). Unfortunately, in order to lose weight I actually need to get off the couch and move faster than a snail’s pace. So I’m doing intervals of jogging/fast walking 2-3 times a week for 45 minutes each. Which is about as fun as you might think.
The upside to exercising (I hear), is that eventually you get “addicted” to the endorphins you get from exercise. Hoping that’ll kick in any day now.
2) Eating green shit instead of bread. All I have to say is THANK GOD for green smoothies, because eating 3-4 servings of green veggies a day is surprisingly hard. But thanks to green smoothies, I’m actually doing it! Here’s my favorite recipe. (And yeah, it has orange juice in it, which is loaded with sugar. But look at all the veggies I’m eating!):
One handful of frozen broccoli
1-2 handfuls of chopped fresh spinach
1-2 tablespoons of chia seeds
1/2 cup of frozen peaches/pineapples
1 chunk of fresh ginger
some avocado, if I’m feeling adventurous
half a bannana, if I need a sweet treat
It’s unbelievably delicious, y’all. I don’t have one every day, but when I’m in a rush and I need green vegetables, it’s a total lifesaver. Try it.
3) Drinking so much water I might explode.
I do love a good can of soda. And none of that “diet” crap that tastes like drinking cardboard — what’s the point? Right now I’m drinking a few liters a day, or trying to. I’m not sure what a liter is, exactly. Let’s just say I’m peeing every thirty minutes. But my skin looks really, REALLY clear! Yeah, water!
4) NOT weighing myself obsessively every few hours. I’ll be honest — I’m the kind of person who wants immediate, drastic results. Otherwise, I get bored and discouraged. And hangry. Imagine my surprise when I stepped on the scale after day 1 of my diet and discovered that I had gained a pound. I looked at the scale and was like
Come to find out, you actually weigh more at night than you do in the morning. Who knew?! (Apparently everyone, but hey, I’ve never actually dieted or weighed myself with regularity before.) So when I weighed myself in the morning, I felt inspired (“Woo hoo, I dropped two pounds!”). And when I weighed myself at night, hoping for some fast results, I’d be devastated (“WHAT?! I gained it all BACK? I HATE MY LIFE. WHERE’S MY CANDY???”)
There’s a reason that Weight Watchers participants only weigh themselves once a week. So it looks like I’ll be following suit.
Right now I weigh (gulp) about 160. My goal weight is 125. Wish me luck!