I’m (NOT) all about that bass: my adventures in dieting

I figured out a couple months ago that the combination of having two babies in two years, eating a shit-ton of candy every day, and spending all of your free time on the Internet searching for reality TV gifs has resulted in about forty extra pounds of fat that’s just sitting on my midsection. It’s bad, guys. It’s really bad.

But … like … I found this hilarious, inexplicable gif and I can’t stop laughing. So totally worth it, right?

As of today, I weigh three pounds MORE than I did when I was nine months pregnant with June. Ouch.

Apparently you’re supposed to lose all your baby weight between pregnancies, but because I’m an unbelievable dumbass, I did the exact opposite. When June was about a year old, I looked at my enormous, stretchmark-laden thighs and my belly pooch and thought, hmm. Should I start an exercise routine and lose the extra weight? Or should I just have another baby, eat a bunch of candy, and fill out the pooch?

I chose the baby. Seriously. That was my actual train of thought at the time. I thought, well, since I already look four months pregnant, I may as well just be pregnant. Right?!

It made a lot more sense back then.

Anyway, I’m kicking myself for it now. Not the baby, obviously, because I was always meant to have him, exactly when I did. But I do wish I had tried — even half-assedly — to lose something. Even if I had done a plank. Just ONE plank. ONE PILATE, singular. Maybe if I had tried just a little bit, I wouldn’t be forty pounds overweight. But I didn’t, and I am, so here we are.

Me, refusing to exercise. I’m that enormous fat monster in the middle, in case you didn’t catch the symbolism.

So for the first time in my entire life, I’m actually trying to lose weight. And it sucks. It hurts so bad. I have to give up delicious candy and limit my meat intake and occasionally run even though nobody’s chasing me, and exactly WHAT is the point of living again?! Indeed, the only thing worse than not being able to eat candy is feeling like a fat little troll who looks six months pregnant and can’t fit into her XL yoga pants. When even your maternity jeans are too small for you, it really makes you rethink that third Snickers bar. Most of the time.

(The sushi cravings are ubiquitous, though. I don’t know that I could ever stop craving delicious, fatty tuna smothered in wasabi mayonaise. The other night I just went through Pinterest and “liked” a bunch of pictures of godzilla rolls that people had posted. You know. Just sittin’ around, liking pictures of sushi on a Friday night. Like people do.)

This RIGHT HERE. This right here is all I aspire to have in life. Side note, I found this on Google Images with the title “Godzilla Sushi Challenge.” Challenge? More like an APPETIZER. Bitch, please.

Side note: I really have to get off Pinterest before I wreck this “diet” thing.

So here’s what I’m doing to try and lose this “baby weight” (more accurately it’s “sushi weight”, but let’s just pretend like I have a little self-respect and pretend it was from the children):

1) Running. This is the most painful part of all. I love doing nothing. I lead what you call a “sedentary lifestyle.” I would so much rather sit on the couch and scroll through my tumblr account looking for gifs than hit the gym. In fact, for the past few months, since I’ve been trying to raise awareness for spina bifida in addition to getting more widely published, most of my time has been spent at the computer trying to accomplish both of these goals (in addition to copy-writing on occasion to earn some extra cash). Unfortunately, in order to lose weight I actually need to get off the couch and move faster than a snail’s pace. So I’m doing intervals of jogging/fast walking 2-3 times a week for 45 minutes each. Which is about as fun as you might think.

Sigh. Not anymore.

The upside to exercising (I hear), is that eventually you get “addicted” to the endorphins you get from exercise. Hoping that’ll kick in any day now.

2) Eating green shit instead of bread. All I have to say is THANK GOD for green smoothies, because eating 3-4 servings of green veggies a day is surprisingly hard. But thanks to green smoothies, I’m actually doing it! Here’s my favorite recipe. (And yeah, it has orange juice in it, which is loaded with sugar. But look at all the veggies I’m eating!):

One handful of frozen broccoli

1-2 handfuls of chopped fresh spinach

1-2 tablespoons of chia seeds

1/2 cup of frozen peaches/pineapples

1 chunk of fresh ginger

some avocado, if I’m feeling adventurous

half a bannana, if I need a sweet treat

orange juice

It’s unbelievably delicious, y’all. I don’t have one every day, but when I’m in a rush and I need green vegetables, it’s a total lifesaver. Try it.

3) Drinking so much water I might explode.

I do love a good can of soda. And none of that “diet” crap that tastes like drinking cardboard — what’s the point? Right now I’m drinking a few liters a day, or trying to. I’m not sure what a liter is, exactly. Let’s just say I’m peeing every thirty minutes. But my skin looks really, REALLY clear! Yeah, water!

4) NOT weighing myself obsessively every few hours. I’ll be honest — I’m the kind of person who wants immediate, drastic results. Otherwise, I get bored and discouraged. And hangry. Imagine my surprise when I stepped on the scale after day 1 of my diet and discovered that I had gained a pound. I looked at the scale and was like

Come to find out, you actually weigh more at night than you do in the morning. Who knew?! (Apparently everyone, but hey, I’ve never actually dieted or weighed myself with regularity before.) So when I weighed myself in the morning, I felt inspired (“Woo hoo, I dropped two pounds!”). And when I weighed myself at night, hoping for some fast results, I’d be devastated (“WHAT?! I gained it all BACK? I HATE MY LIFE. WHERE’S MY CANDY???”)

There’s a reason that Weight Watchers participants only weigh themselves once a week. So it looks like I’ll be following suit.

Right now I weigh (gulp) about 160. My goal weight is 125. Wish me luck!



13 thoughts on “I’m (NOT) all about that bass: my adventures in dieting

  1. Forget about weight goals and focus on size and how you FEEL. For realz. I know I’m perhaps taller than you but when I was my FITTEST I weighed about 15 pounds MORE than I thought I would or SHOULD if I was “thinner”. But you know all that shiz about muscle being heavier, yadda yadda… well, it’s true. I wanted to get to a number in the 130’s, thinking that was my ideal high school weight. It will never happen if I do it right. Because all my training got me to 140 pounds (at 5’7″) at my lowest and I don’t want to know what I have to do to get another few pounds under that because that was hellish enough. 😉 At 10 pounds heavier than my “ideal” high school, pre-marriage, pre-baby, pre-mid-20’s-metabolism-shift weight, I was a size 4-6. Smallest size I’ve ever been.

    Myfitnesspal (dot com) and Zumba changed my life FOREVAH. I learned about what a certain amount of calories LOOKS like by learning portions and now I can estimate better. I’m not going to lie and say I’m still a size 4-6 but keeping it off has been easier knowing what it looks like. You are awesome and YOU GOT THIS, beeotch.

  2. As someone with an absurdly fast metabolism who has always been “too skinny”, I second Meg. I can eat an entire bag of tostitos with an entire jar of queso in a sitting, but still look great. Can I lift a 20 lb box over my head? No. And I live alone, so this comes into play more often than you’d think. Can I walk up a flight of stairs without having to catch my breath? No, despite the fact that I walk up THREE flights EVERYDAY to get to my apartment. So, yeah. Health! You got this!

  3. I run (I use this term verrrrry loosely) around 15 miles a week. I also usually do an hour of Zumba mid-week. And I’m still in the 160s – blech – but I’m physically stronger and I’m setting a good example for my kiddo, who has been overweight since she turned 2. (SB has a high correlation to obesity among other medical challenges. Add in genetics and the typical-kid preferences of pasta, bread, and sweets, and she’s got quite the uphill, lifelong battle.)

    I do my Saturday “runs” with DD riding her 3 wheeled bike while I jog behind. She gets quality, fun alone time with me, and I get the world’s longest 3 mile workout. Coach says whatever we’re doing is working, as he is seeing a tremendous improvement in PE. So, um, yay! (At least ONE of us is seeing results.)

  4. Have you looked in to eating Paleo? You could still eat plenty of meat and fatty tuna (which is so good for your brain) and lose weight. Do a quick google search for Whole 30, you might be delighted!

  5. I’m not sure if WordPress ate my comment or if I am just really bad at using the internet…

    Have you looked into eating Paleo? You could still eat delicious meat and fatty tuna (which is so good for your brain!) and lose weight. A quick google search for Whole 30 will give you a good point of reference, if you’re interested. And ThePaleoMom.com is a plethora of information.

    Good luck!

  6. You mean my legs SHOULDN’T look like dimply, stubby tree trunks? Huh. Too bar just made a pan of caramel, otherwise known as : moderation? What moderation? Nom nom nom….
    Sorry, focusing again. I actually joined a gym closer to my house than the one I’ve been at since 2008. I figure if I haven’t made it since August because of scheduling issues with the kids’ school pickup and drop off times, then I need to change something so I can be healthy again. I’ll try the green smoothie, but I get a little HULK SMASH without my carbs, yo. Good luck in your endeavors!

  7. You can DO IT! My youngest is is 6, and I’m just now losing “the baby weight.” Har. I love telling people that. Weight Watchers online is working for me, while trying to do it on my own for all those previous years didn’t (Cheeze-Its). If I’m spending $$, then by gosh I’d better get something out of it, I guess is my motivation. 🙂

  8. Oh my goodness, I felt like I could have written this post today, immediately following my consumption of 2 donuts the size of a small loaf of bread each, in the name of the 2 year-old’s birthday, because I feel like that fat anime character. I am going to follow your endeavors like a creepy stalker because I am the exact same weight as you and want to lose the exact same amount.

    You are my e-inspiration, which means the pressure is ON!

  9. I lost around 115 pounds eating a paleo/primal diet and running daily, so I can confirm that the diet does get results.

  10. This post gave me the best belly laugh (and I’m pregnant so that’s a pretty intense statement). That sloth GIF = perfection.

  11. Ohh this is basically my life (without the being pregnant part). I have PCOS so it’s basically yoyo weight for me forever. If I’m not watching what I’m eating, I gain. If I’m not running, I gain. I gained when I was marathon training! Ugh.
    But seriously, I totally understand and you CAN DO THIS!

  12. If you don’t like running, you should definitely find some kind of exercise routine that you at least kinda-sorta like. I mean, if we’re being honest here, I NEVER think: YAY!!!!! let’s go EXERCISE! but at least when I’m biking I’m enjoying myself, as opposed to running, when I’m really just thinking, “AM. I. DONE. YET?” lol Classes can be more on the pricey side, but I find that they’re really motivating, too! Good luck!!!

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