How To Train Your Anxiety

I was diagnosed with a bona fide panic disorder when I was 22, but I didn’t realize until I went to therapy that anxiety had been following me around my entire childhood.

I was highly anxious as a kid and a teenager, but I honestly thought I just read too many horror stories. My favorite author was Stephen King, and I positively devoured his books from age eleven onward. I wanted to write horror stories, so not only did I read every book of his I could get my hands on, but I wrote my own horror stories too. It was the most fun, and it’s a riot to look back at the stuff I wrote as a kid — but I paid a price for it. Almost every single night, after reading or writing scary stories, I would lie awake with all the lights on (like, all the lights on. In the entire houseand replay all these ghastly scenarios inside of my head: Killer clowns. Murder. Creepy-ass ghosts. Abduction. Plagues. King was the best storyteller, but also probably the reason I hardly slept from age eleven onward.

One of the most illuminating quotes about anxiety actually came from Stephen King himself. I can’t quote it verbatim, but he talks about having a vivid imagination, and how his wife and kids think it’s like having a nice little movie in your head to entertain yourself when you get bored (which it is). But, he says, it can also turn on you. It has fangs. And it bites.

Unlike my anxiety in adulthood, my kid anxiety never really interfered with my life. Sure, I stayed up sometimes the entire night because I thought if I closed my eyes a monster would crawl out from inside my closet and drag me out of the bed, but other than that, I functioned day-to-day. But I also slept with the lights on every night. I had nightmares. I would often crawl into bed with my parents or, when I was younger than eleven, one of my brothers. Believe it or not, this still affects me, even in adulthood. I binge-watched the entire first season of True Detective in like six hours (so, so good) and then went, okay, I’m off to bed, goodnight! Except sleep never came. Every time I closed my eyes I would replay one of many (many) creepy scenes and my eyes would pop back open.

Nothing like some creepy, old-timey photos to keep you awake the ENTIRE NIGHT. Thanks, True Detective.

In some ways, it’s even worse after you have children. Because I don’t really give a crap about killer clowns and swamp monsters anymore, but start talking about child abductions and home invasions? Remind me that any number of horrors could happen to my precious babies? I’m sleeping with all the lights on again. In my kids’ room. With a baseball bat.

Amazingly, finding the right medication does wonders for this kind of thing. But like all medications, you get the best results if you combine it with certain tools. I’m pretty sure, from my brief stint as a social work student, that this is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. If I was writing this on Cracked.com, I would call it a “life hack.” But in my brain, it’s How to Train Your Anxiety. My brain might be a fanged monster that bites, but here’s how I put a leash and a muzzle on it:

1. Aaaand … CUT! – I learned this in Girl Scouts, of all places, and it’s been surprisingly very effective. When I disclosed to my Brownie troop that I had crazy anxiety brain and couldn’t sleep because of it, one of the girls suggested that I replay the scary scene in my head, but keep the scene going after the scary part had ended. That was revelatory.

So picture Pennywise stalking toward you with his yellow cat eyes (ughh…). Then picture a bell ringing, a director yelling “CUT!”, the boom mike drooping down, an assistant hurrying over with a tray of scones, makeup artists touching up the white clown makeup on his face, lighting technicians adjusting the lighting. More importantly, picture Pennywise talking, and preferably being a huge whiner, complaining about his working conditions, because that’s hilarious.

Um, Mildred? I asked for a scone? And this tea is EARL GREY, NOT ENGLISH BREAKFAST, GOD DAMN YOU. I’LL BE IN MY TRAILER.

This humanizes the monster (which I’ll talk about in a minute), but it also interrupts the spookiness and surrealism of the surrounding scene. Kind of like picturing somebody in his underwear to make him less intimidating. And, I guess, picturing everything else in their underwear too.

2. Deconstruct and disassemble – For some reason I watched a lot of Are You Afraid of the Dark? when I was younger, and holy crap was that a bad idea. One of their favorite tropes was scary ghost children that just stare menacingly, and it terrified me; not only did I sleep with all the lights on, but I would jump at every strange noise or shadow, even in the middle of the day. (That was actually one of the least scary things on that show, come to think of it: there were also these aliens without faces that scared the life out of me — and side note, what the actual fuck, Nickelodeon?!)

One way to make this a little less scary is to look at the scene critically and deconstruct it. Okay, so there’s a ghost kid standing on your front lawn just staring through your windows (shudder). But why is he just standing there? I mean, he’s a ghost, so presumably he can be anywhere, can’t he? And why, if you’re a ghost and you have a really important message from the other side to deliver, would you be just standing and staring? Wouldn’t you be, like, knocking down doors and rattling chains or whatever? No? You’d just be wasting all your ghost-time standing and staring? THAT MAKES NO SENSE, GHOST.

Okay, but really? You’re gonna write “help me” all over the walls for some damn reason (backwards??) but you’re not gonna tell me how to help? No? Anything? Just gonna stare blankly? Alrighty then. Also, you look like Parker Posey. Seriously, is that Parker Posey?

Once you get past how scary the ghost is, you realize pretty much nothing they do makes logical sense. And then it’s kind of funny.

3. Humanize the horror. I read a fascinating memoir once about an ex-coroner who lived in New Orleans. (Okay, it’s becoming more obvious as I write this that maybe I need to stop reading so much scary stuff…maybe my anxiety will take care of itself, if I do…) Someone had asked him how he dealt with the smell of decomposing bodies — bodies that had died weeks or months before they got to his office. The author said he did his best to power through it, but it was much easier if he imagined them as still-human, with feelings and opinions. They probably didn’t want to smell so bad, he reasoned. In fact, they’d probably be incredibly embarrassed by how bad they smelled. How humiliating! So in the back of his mind, whenever he came across a particularly smelly body, he’d keep in the back of his mind that person’s probable embarrassment. I guess that helped him ignore the smell. Or at least forgive it.

In the same way, if your kid is scared of ghosts (or yourself, even? Not that I know any full-grown adults who get scared of ghosts and have to sleep with the lights on still, no sir), have him strike up a conversation with whatever scares him. What’s the ghost’s name? What kind of TV shows does he like to watch? Does he like being a ghost? What kind of fun things can he do? Float through walls and shit? Because that would be fun. Make up a dialogue between you and the ghost and see if he has any interests other than just being creepy as shit.

Girl, Imma let you finish, but your makeup is jacked and we need to talk about it. Have a seat.

All of these have been tried successfully by yours truly, because I definitely wasn’t going to give up reading Dean Koontz or Stephen King. So if your kid (or yourself, who knows, whatever, I’m not judging) is still sleeping with the lights on after watching an episode of Cold Case Files, maybe try one of these techniques on for size. They just might help.

You’ll thank me after a good night’s sleep.

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Another ultrasound, and how we’re doing

When we went in for another ultrasound, three weeks to the day that we had our 20-week fetal scan and learned about Henry’s Spina Bifida, the nurse commented that my heart rate was elevated. “Yeah,” I said. “After what happened last time, can you blame me?”

She couldn’t.

We went in the ultrasound room and I laid on the table. Surprisingly, despite the mild anxiety, I was feeling really good. We were all in pretty good spirits. The big shock of his diagnosis had already pretty much been absorbed, so if they had more bad news for us, I think we figured it couldn’t be any more shocking or devastating than what we had already heard. And to boot, I was excited to see my baby. With June I got one fetal scan — that’s what happens with “normal” babies. I got to see her once, and then not again until after she was born. In the interim, I really missed my baby. I wanted to get to know her. And while it was devastating that Henry wasn’t “normal,” I was (and am) still thankful that I can get to know him better while he’s in there. Seeing his features on the ultrasound never gets old — his little nose, his fat cheeks. It just never, ever gets old. So I laid back and drank it in, while the ultrasound tech took her measurements.

Understand that up until now, the word “paralyzed” had been thrown around quite a few times, both from the Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist and my regular OB. At my OB’s office, I asked about Henry’s clubbed feet, unsure about the term and too chicken to search for it on Google Images. Does clubbed feet mean that his feet are bent inward? I asked. Or are they all mangled and shaped like clubs? I pictured his feet like the end of a chicken drumstick — just hobbled and, well, like a club. My OB smiled and said sadly, Well, does it really matter? He’s not going to be able to walk. He’s paralyzed. Oh. Right.

So imagine my surprise when we see his tiny face, his enormous Sleestak eyes, his heartbeat, his stomach, and then finally his lower body — his upper legs — and they’re kicking. Not substantially. But they’re moving.

I am notorious for not being able to see a damn thing on these ultrasound screens. I have to take my husband’s word for it that Henry is a boy (“Definitely a boy,” the technician says, whatever that means.) because I can’t make out anything on that screen. Lou assures me that looking at his male anatomy is like looking at the silhouette of the Washington Monument, but I just can’t see it. So when I looked at the screen and I think that I saw Henry move his legs, I waited for quite a few minutes to ask the technician, because surely I was seeing something else. I knew if I asked whether his legs were moving, she would give me a look like, oh, poor thing, and tell me No, sweetie. Remember? He’s paralyzed.

But damned if it didn’t look like his legs were really moving. So I risked looking dumb and just asked: “Those things that are moving … are those … his legs?”

“Yup,” she said, not even taking her eyes off the screen.

UM HOLY SHIT, I wanted to say. Instead I said, “He’s kicking his legs? Those things right there?”

“Yup,” she said, “looks like he’s kicking a little bit.”

UM WELL HOLY SHIT, I thought, BECAUSE WE THOUGHT HE WAS DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY PARALYZED BUT YOU’RE ALL A BUNCH OF LIARS I GUESS, NO BIG DEAL. Instead of saying that, I just stared at my husband, and he stared back at me.

The MFM specialist was equally unimpressed when he came in and the technician told him that she had observed movement in his lower body. “Well, good!” He said, not taking his eyes off the screen. “That’s good news.”

Yeah, it’s MIRACULOUS NEWS, I wanted to say. But again, I didn’t. I was too shocked. Stunned. Speechless. Thank you, thank you, thank you God, he’s kicking his legs! He might not need a wheelchair after all!

Of course — he could become paralyzed later, given the fact that his spinal membranes are exposed to the amniotic fluid, and that can cause nerve damage over time. That’s a reality we’ll have to accept when we come face-to-face with it — but not today. As of today, he’s been healed. We’ve been given a reprieve — a big one — and today, Henry is able to kick. It might sound corny, but it’s obvious to me now that God is writing this story — not the doctors. The doctors can only interpret what they see, but they don’t have the final say. And that’s reassuring and terrifying, at the same time, in a way. I don’t know how this is going to end. I don’t know what we’ll see on the next ultrasound screen. But I know for sure that when it comes to Henry, none of us are in charge.

Like my husband says, Henry has a few tricks in that spinal sack of his. And we’re just going to have to wait to see what he shows us.

***


Other than the MIRACLE we experienced last week, we’re living day-to-day, doing well for the most part, but mainly just doing okay. I still have these bursts where I’m incredibly optimistic and excited, and even if Henry turns out to be paralyzed, I know we’ve got all these amazing resources and relatives and doctors, and we’re going to be okay. We’re going to give him the best life possible. Other times, I just feel waves of anger — or what more accurately feels like annoyance. It strikes at the weirdest times — I’ll see an ad for Bud Light Lime (a delicious, delicious beer), and I think oooh, too bad I’m pregnant, I want one of those! And then I think, well why don’t I just have one? What’s even the point of trying to be healthy anymore? You do all these things for your baby, hoping for the best possible outcome — you take prenatals, even though they taste like fish and make you gag. You visit with your doctor, you write down all your questions and you give up SUSHI and BEER and you check — you CHECK OBSESSIVELY — everything you eat to make sure it has iron and folic acid, because you don’t want to take a chance — even the slightest chance — that your baby’s health will be negatively affected. And then you go to the doctor and find out something like this happened, some weird chromosomal fluke, and what was the point of taking vitamins again? To prevent something like this? It makes you just want to throw up your hands and give up. Have a beer. Because you tried to do everything right and you failed somehow anyway. What’s the point of even trying?

It’s hard for me to look at nutrition labels anymore. In the first trimester, I’d eat TONS of vitamin-fortified cereals (one of the few things I could stomach with the morning sickness) and read the back of the box and feel relieved — I was eating shit with 100% of all the important daily nutrients — not bowls and bowls of leafy spinach, but I did what I could, given how shitty I felt. And I gulped down 2-3 bottles of Ensure every day, and took a freaking prenatal and a folic acid supplement, for God’s sake. And I felt satisfied knowing that I was doing what I could do — barring periods of sickness where I could only eat potatoes, if anything at all — to help Henry grow and develop properly. And now I look at the Ensure bottle and think, fuck you, Ensure. I was drinking like three of you a day, back when I first got pregnant. 25% folate, my ass. You were supposed to do something, and you failed. I failed. Fuck off with your calcium and your B12, because what good is it if my kid can’t move his legs? Even prenatals are hard to choke down anymore — not because the fishy taste makes me gag, but because I feel majorly, majorly betrayed whenever I look at the bottle. Fuck you, prenatals. I thought you were supposed to prevent this.

Clearly, I am still working through the grief. and I’m trying not to let it affect how I interact with my other, healthy child. A few weeks after we got Henry’s diagnosis, I noticed that I was becoming obsessed with June’s verbal development. She just turned 17 months, and she does this thing where she’ll point or act out words, instead of really saying them. Right after Henry’s diagnosis, this really started to freak me out, badly. Our conversations, if you could call them that, would go like this:

Me: June, can you say “ball”?
June: [points to ball]
Me: Good! Can you say “ball”?
June: [sneaky look]
Me: Ball?
June: No.
Me: Ball?
June: Yeeesh.
Me: Ball?
June: Buh.
Me: Ball? Ba-a-a-a-llll?
June: [crawls away]
Me: [sobbing] OH MY GOD, I KNEW IT, YOU’RE RETARDED.

And inevitably it would end with me crying and searching WebMD to see what was wrong with her. Because clearly SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH HER. I mean, I already failed my other baby, and he’s not even out of the womb yet. Surely I’ve failed this other child, in some way or another.

(By the way, June can say around 15 fairly-understandable words right now, not including the signs she knows and the little gestures she uses to act out what she’s trying to say. According to several of my mom friends and WebMD [we haven’t had her 18-month checkup yet], she is completely on par as far as verbal and physical development. There are NO red flags. And yet, the doubt is there. The grief, the anger, and the anxiety — they’re all there. Every day.)

So, that’s how it is. We’re excited. We’re still grieving. We’re still hopeful. We’re looking forward to him. We’re dreading him. It just depends on the day.

The Bombshell: Our Son has Spina Bifida

“We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love.” ~Sigmund Freud

In retrospect, we both feel so foolish. For us, the twenty week ultrasound was solely to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. We never imagined we’d get any other kind of news. We never imagined we’d get bad news.

So there we were: Me, on the table, in the ultrasound room, beaming from ear to ear because I get to actually see the little guy squirming around inside of me. I can see him on the screen. It never gets old. It’s amazing. I keep beaming at my husband and saying, “Are you seeing this? Did you see that?” There’s actually a little person inside me. We can see his weird, black, alien eyes right there on the screen. It’s incredible.

The doctor walks in and shakes my hand. He looks at the screen pretty casually and says, “Who was your nurse earlier for your intake exam?” I tell him her name, and he shouts out the door for her to come in. Ooh, I think. Maybe she wrote something wrong in my chart. She’s going to get it. This might be fun to watch. 

The nurse comes in the room and stands behind the doctor and the doctor looks on the screen again.

Then:

Your baby has a neural tube defect called Spina Bifida. Do you see that little sac sticking out of his lower spine? That is where the spinal cord hasn’t properly fused together, and his membranes are sticking out of his back.”

I remember shooting a horrified look at my husband. We just stare at each other while the rest of the room falls away. The only thing I can feel is a warm wave of anxiety slowly crawling over me, from my toes all the way up to the top of my skull. That’s what happens every time I get bad news. It’s a precursor to a panic attack, usually — this tingling, warm sensation. And then I feel nothing. Numbness. Lou is standing next to me trying to hold one of my hands. He has to pry it out from under my head, where it’s resting, because I’m just too stunned to move. All I do is stare at him, stare at him. Stare at the screen, the baby. Stare at the doctor.

The doctor is speaking in medical terms, explaining how the spine hasn’t fused, and I’m barely hearing a thing he says. He says one word I understand, though: hydrocephalus. For a terrifying, agonizing moment, I think oh god, is that the one where the baby doesn’t have a brain? Is my baby missing his brain? And then I remember: Hydro. Water. There’s water on the brain. He has a brain. Anencephaly is the one without a brain. So there’s that small consolation, at least. I’m trying to think back to child development class, to the social work classes I took in college. I have heard spina bifida probably a dozen times in my life, but I cannot remember what it means.

“What does this mean, though?” I keep asking. “Like, practically.” I look from him to the nurse to the ultrasound tech, who all stare back at me in sympathy. I get that his spine hasn’t fused. I understand that there’s water on his brain. But, practically, I don’t know what this means for us at all. Is he going to be in a wheelchair? Is he going to be mentally retarded? Will he be born blind, deaf — what? Stupidly, I ask, “Should I buy him clothes?” Meaning, of course, should I even get my hopes up? Is he even going to live that long? 

“I wouldn’t be worrying about clothes,” the doctor says, not knowing what the hell I’m talking about. He goes on to describe the fetal anatomy and he says, “You can also see on the screen here that he’s got clubbed feet.”

“Jesus Christ,” I say, looking at my husband. “What else does he have? Like a second head? Four arms? What else is there?”

The ultrasound tech hands me a box of Kleenex, which is my clue that this is really, really serious news — this is not something that can be undone, or that will correct itself in utero. This shit is permanent. Finally, a lightbulb pops on in my head. I ask the doctor, “Is this something he’s going to be dealing with the rest of his life?”

The doctor looks at me sadly. “Yes,” he says.

I think, okay. Well, that’s some information I know what to do with. 

The doctor keeps talking, and I just keep nodding. Like they’re telling me about the weather. He says, “I can’t even see the cerebellum,” and I go, “Oh, yeah. Mmm.” like I know exactly what he’s talking about and I’m only very distantly, clinically interested. Meanwhile, Lou is actually concerned about me — I’ve forgotten that I’m even in this room. There’s only the baby on the screen. He wants to know if my health is at risk. He wants to know what the risks are for me. The doctor says there really aren’t any. Like I even care, at this point. I just want to know if the baby is even going to survive. Will he just die in a couple weeks, or what? What I’m really asking is, should I even bother to get attached? He tells me that the risk of stillbirth is increased by a factor of five. But that’s not to say that the baby won’t survive.

Additionally, we’re told, the baby may not make it to term, depending on how well he’s doing when we’re monitoring him. The doctor wants me to have an ultrasound every three weeks, and then at the end of the pregnancy, every week. When the baby is born, if he even survives to term, he is going to need two operations right off the bat: surgery on his back so they can shove the spinal membranes back in his body, and another surgery where they place a shunt in his head to drain the spinal fluid, which will be in place for the rest of his life. On top of all this, the doctor tells me I will need to deliver at a hospital in Park Ridge, since it has a neonatal surgery unit. I will also need a c-section. C-section might seem like the very least of my problems — and truly, it is, because the thought of my baby being operated on and potentially not surviving is just the worst possible thing ever, period, end of story — but for someone who developed PTSD the last time I had surgery, it is definitely still a concern.

“Is it the zoloft I’m taking?” I ask. “What did I do?”

“Nothing. Nothing. It is not zoloft-related,” the doctor says. “You did nothing wrong.”

The ultrasound tech takes some more pictures, and then tells us we are expecting a little boy. An afterthought. It’s the least surprising news of the day, actually. We’ve even picked out a name for him — Henry. I find out days later that St. Henry is the patron saint of handicapped people, which makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. They all leave the room for a minute to see if they can page my OB, and I sit up and wipe the ultrasound goo off my belly. My husband hands me his water bottle and his hands are shaking. I think I’m crying but I can’t really feel it.

Mercifully, “termination” isn’t discussed. I read in the ultrasound notes later that the doctor just didn’t want to bring it up, and he wanted my OB let me know that it was an option. Our obstetrician is a godsend, and thankfully, she knew us well enough that “termination” or “changing the course of the pregnancy” or any such palatable term would never, ever be an option for us. It is, however, an option that exists for us to consider. It’s chilling how subjective a person’s humanity is, isn’t it? Not to get all “lifey” on you, but hey, that’s the reality we’re face-to-face with right now, as parents: If we decide Henry is worth saving (or more accurately, if I decide Henry is worth saving), doctors will move heaven and earth to save him. But if I decide on a whim that this is all just too much trouble, they could refer me up to Northwestern tomorrow and have him wrenched out of me and left to die — at twenty weeks gestation. It’s mind-boggling, isn’t it? I mean, killing someone due to his physiology, his anatomy, his perceived defects — isn’t that able-ism? Discrimination? Genocide? Because it fits those definitions exactly. And it’s all so … encouraged. How do these doctors think of my baby? How does society think of my baby, for that matter? Is he a little boy with Spina Bifida, or is he my property to do away with as I please? Which?

Thankfully, every single person with whom we have shared Henry’s diagnosis has been nothing but loving, encouraging, and supportive of our child. So I’ll get off my soapbox, or whatever, but to clear the air: Henry is our precious son, and we will fight for the best quality of life possible, no matter how long he is with us. Killing him is not an option. He deserves dignity, respect, and care by virtue of his humanity, regardless of his physical ability, mental cognition, race, economic status, or any other qualifying factor.

 

The doctor asks if we have any questions. “Um, no, not really,” I say, because my mind has gone totally blank. “Yes, about a million,” my husband says, and the doctors nod sympathetically. That is the answer they can understand. If my husband weren’t holding my hand I think I would just float off the exam table and disappear.  They hand us an informational packet on Spina Bifida that clarifies literally nothing, and we wander out of the waiting room and outside to our car. We put June down for a nap as soon as we get home, and then we both crawl into bed and hide under the covers.

For three days after that, I was the walking dead. I cried at everything. We found out a week ago, last Wednesday, and Sunday was really the first day I felt as though I was coming back to life.

Right now, I am still dealing with the emotional aftermath of our baby’s diagnosis. I don’t feel like I’m a complete zombie any more, but I still have moments where the prospect of raising a special-needs child is so daunting I feel like I’m going to pass out. It hits me in little ways, too: When I see June toddling around the house, it’s a knife in the heart to know that Henry won’t be able to do the same thing. When June rolls over and sits up in her crib, I wonder if that’s even going to be possible for Henry, since as far as we know, his legs are paralyzed. It’s even hard to look at pictures of June as a newborn, because I know we’re not going to have that same joyous homecoming — Henry will likely be in the NICU for a few weeks following his surgery, and I’ll be up in Park Ridge recovering from major surgery. Now, I’m vascillating between being optimistic and almost excited to meet my son, just so I can see what kind of challenges we’re in store for. I think, hey, maybe he’ll be relatively normal, like Walt Jr. from Breaking Bad, or Forrest from Forrest Gump. And we’ll be able to like, actually talk and have a relationship and I won’t have to stay up nights wondering how he’ll possibly care for himself when I’m gone. He can be self-sufficient, and inspire other people — and I can help him through everything. He’s going to be kick ass! 

totally me and future-Henry


And then in the next breath, I’m more like this:

What a paradox it is to love and desperately want this little boy, and in the same moment wish that this had never happened: That his spine had fused, that I had known something was wrong, that there was something I could have done. Part of me doesn’t even want to get more attached, because to love someone means to suffer, and if my love for June is any indication, I’m going to suffer so much for this child. And suffering blows. As a Catholic, we know that suffering draws us closer to God and is essential to our salvation; it is gifted to us and modeled beautifully by our savior. So in the Catholic worldview, suffering is a blessing. Suffering makes me cling to Jesus in a way that I never could have otherwise. But can I just say that suffering blows and I hate it? In 2009, when I went to India and read the reflections of St. Therese, I was stuck by her love of suffering, because it drew her closer to the Lord. She actually thanked God for suffering, and so LIKE AN IDIOT I began to pray for suffering myself. God, let me suffer something, I said, so that I can be a saint. So that I can focus on You and only You. And then a week later I got a kidney stone and was like, Nevermind, God, this sucks! I don’t want to be a saint. Changed my mind! Thanks, though! Enough suffering! 

I don’t do suffering well. I don’t want to love this little boy and then have to face the possibility that he won’t survive gestation, or surgery, or some secondary infection. I think about seeing my precious baby, a little boy that will undoubtedly look like my precious husband, hooked up to wires and tubes and my entire body aches. I think about having a c-section and I want to puke. This whole thing is such a gift. If I can use this experience to encourage another mom with a special-needs child, I would feel truly, truly lucky — not to mention the gift that is Henry himself. And at the same time, it sucks. It sucks so hard. I don’t want to suffer. I don’t want to see my child operated on. I don’t want to have surgery when I can hardly handle a routine pelvic exam. I keep thinking, SERIOUSLY, GOD? When June went to the hospital in May for a stomach flu, I cried the ENTIRE way to the hospital. I was shaking, thinking something was seriously wrong. I had to pop two xanaxes and hold on to my husband to keep from running out of the triage room. I sobbed throughout the entire made-for-tv movie about Celine Dion because it was “just so inspiring.” Do you have any idea what a NICU stay and Spina Bifida is going to do to me? Do you think maybe you picked the completely wrong person to go through all of this? 

“Neeeear, faaaaaar, whereeeever you aarrrre”…somebody please CHANGE THE CHANNEL

So that’s where I am right now. Suffering, sort of. With a lot more suffering to come. And I wasn’t even praying for it this time.